Bartholomew “Bart” Bigbucks, a man whose wealth was only surpassed by his questionable taste in leisure suits, had finally kicked the bucket. His family – a motley crew of suspiciously tanned offspring and a wife who looked perpetually surprised – gathered in the mahogany-paneled office of Mr. Fitzwilliam, a lawyer whose mustache alone could command respect (and possibly a small loan).
Mr. Fitzwilliam cleared his throat, adjusted his spectacles, and began to read. “To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house and $8 million.”
A collective sigh of relief rippled through the room. Rose, whose expression had been a study in controlled anxiety, visibly relaxed. Her children, however, seemed less than thrilled.
Mr. Fitzwilliam continued. “To my son, Chad, who always had… *a certain flair* for… *entrepreneurial endeavors*, I leave my prized collection of novelty thimbles.”
Chad, whose Gucci loafers cost more than some people’s cars, visibly deflated. He looked like a prize-winning poodle that had just been informed its grooming appointment had been canceled.
The reading continued. To Brenda, the daughter who’d “always been so supportive of her father’s… *unique* business practices,” he left a lifetime supply of kale smoothies. Brenda, whose daily diet consisted primarily of caviar and champagne, shuddered.
Mr. Fitzwilliam reached the final clause. “And finally,” he announced dramatically, “to my loyal and ever-patient parrot, Captain Squawk, I leave my entire collection of rare stamps, the company car, and my lifetime supply of exquisitely tailored leisure suits.”
Silence descended upon the room. A single, squawking voice pierced the stunned silence. “Polly want a million!”
The family stared at Captain Squawk, perched regally on his stand. The parrot, it seemed, had inherited not only Bart’s wardrobe but also his uncanny ability to exploit loopholes. Rose fainted. Chad began furiously Googling “how to sell rare stamps.” Brenda started sobbing, convinced that kale smoothies were the ultimate form of cruel and unusual punishment. And Mr. Fitzwilliam, well, he simply adjusted his impressive mustache and quietly made a note to add “parrot legal representation” to his expanding list of services.
