Old Man Fitzwilliam, a sprightly eighty-year-old with a mischievous glint in his eye, shuffled into the Lidl’s job centre. He’d seen the advertisement: “Lidl’s looking for enthusiastic, energetic staff!” He considered himself both, in his own uniquely Fitzwilliam way.
The manager, a harried young woman named Brenda, barely looked up from her mountain of paperwork. “Next!” she barked, her voice already hoarse from a morning spent dealing with applications from people who listed “competitive eating” as a transferable skill.
Fitzwilliam tapped his walking stick on the floor. “Good morning, my dear! I’m here for the…uh…energetic position.”
Brenda sighed. “Sir, the application form clearly states…”
“Ah, paperwork,” Fitzwilliam interrupted, waving a dismissive hand. “I’ve been filling out forms since before they invented the ballpoint pen! My handwriting’s legendary, though I might need a magnifying glass to read it myself these days.”
Brenda squinted at his application, a single sheet of paper scrawled with a chaotic jumble of barely legible script. She spotted a section labelled “Experience”. It read: “Successfully dodged a runaway shopping trolley in 1978. Won a pie-eating contest in ’82. Mastered the art of the silent burp.”
“Sir,” Brenda said, trying to suppress a laugh, “I need to ask you… what exactly are your skills relevant to working at Lidl?”
Fitzwilliam beamed. “My dear girl, I’m a master of efficiency! I can stack shelves faster than a squirrel gathering acorns. My negotiating skills are unmatched – I once convinced a baker to give me a free bread roll simply by staring at him intensely. And my ability to locate lost items? Legendary. I once found a missing sock in the middle of a hurricane.”
Brenda, completely bewildered, looked back at the application form and, with a gasp, pointed at a section Fitzwilliam had cleverly omitted. “Sir,” she finally managed, “there’s a question here about previous convictions… for shoplifting.”
Fitzwilliam chuckled, a deep rumbling sound. “Ah, yes, that. A minor misunderstanding. Let’s just say I’m… very enthusiastic about Lidl’s products.” He winked. “And I believe in thorough product testing.”
