A portly middle-aged man named Howard boarded his flight from New York to Toronto, clutching his newspaper, headphones, and a sandwich he definitely wasn’t supposed to bring through security. After waddling down the aisle like a confused penguin looking for seat 17B, he was shocked to find a parrot—yes, a real, live parrot—strapped into the seat next to his.
The parrot looked up at him, blinked twice, and said, “Well, this is going to be fun. You snore, don’t you?”
Howard blinked. “I… what?”
Before he could ask anyone about emotional support bird policies, the flight attendant walked by.
“Sir,” Howard said, pointing, “there’s a parrot in this seat.”
“Yes, he’s a frequent flyer,” she replied with a sigh. “Third time this month.”
The parrot nodded proudly. “Business class last week. They served me almonds. I threw them back. I only do cashews.”
Howard, still reeling, buckled up.
Once the plane took off, things got weirder.
The parrot flagged the flight attendant with his claw. “Hey! Bring me a ginger ale. No ice. I don’t want it watered down like this economy air.”
Howard chuckled. “You can’t just order like that.”
The parrot turned. “Watch me, luggage rack.”
The flight attendant returned with ginger ale. The parrot sipped, squawked, and yelled, “What is this? You call this premium bubbles? Get me a lemon wedge! Chop-chop!”
Howard was horrified. “You can’t speak to people like that!”
The parrot squinted at him. “Mind your peanuts, tubby.”
Howard huffed. “I’ll have you know I paid full price for this seat!”
“So did my owner,” the parrot snapped. “Except I don’t need a seatbelt extender.”
That was it. Howard flagged the flight attendant. “Miss, I’d like a coffee, please. And I’d like it hot, unlike this bird’s cold attitude.”
The flight attendant brought him coffee. Howard took a sip, spat it back, and shouted, “What is this, puddle water? I said hot!”
The parrot clapped his wings. “Now you’re getting it!”
The plane crew was not amused. Minutes later, the captain came out of the cockpit. “All right, what’s going on here?”
Before either of them could explain, the parrot shouted, “This airline is worse than a chicken coop with turbulence!”
Howard added, “And the coffee tastes like regret!”
Without a word, the captain opened the emergency exit, grabbed the parrot and Howard, and threw them both out of the plane (don’t worry—this is a joke, remember).
As they fell through the sky, screaming, flapping, and praying, Howard yelled, “This is all your fault, you loud-mouthed feather duster!”
The parrot looked over calmly mid-fall and said, “For a guy who just got thrown out of a plane, you complain more than me.”
Howard sputtered, “How are you so calm?! We’re falling!”
The parrot shrugged. “I’ve got wings. What’s your excuse?”
