The young wife went into labor while her husband, Private First Class Jimmy Thompson, was stationed overseas in the middle of a hot desert, dodging sandstorms and listening to his sergeant yell about socks for the fifth time that morning.
The very next day, Jimmy got the news via military radio transmission.
“Private Thompson! Message from home! Your wife gave birth last night!”
Jimmy dropped his powdered eggs and sprinted to the comm tent. He grabbed the base phone like it was a grenade about to go off.
He called home, heart pounding.
His wife answered, her voice tired but happy.
“Jimmy! You’re a father! Twins! A boy and a girl!”
Jimmy nearly dropped the phone. “Twins?! TWINS?!”
His voice cracked like the desert floor in August.
“That’s incredible! I mean—I don’t even know what to say. How did that happen?!”
There was a long pause.
“Well…” his wife said gently, “You were gone for 9 months.”
Jimmy’s eyes widened. “I know, that’s what’s worrying me!”
She laughed. “Don’t be ridiculous, Jimmy! You remember that leave you had right before you shipped out?”
“Oh… right. Phew!”
He wiped his brow with a napkin, then realized it was a sock. His sergeant would have had a heart attack.
His wife continued, “The babies are healthy and adorable. My brother even helped name them.”
Jimmy blinked. “Your brother named my children?”
“Yes! I was a little loopy on meds and didn’t want to wait until you could call. Don’t worry, he picked good names.”
“Oh no,” Jimmy muttered, gripping the phone tighter. “This is the same guy who named his cat ‘Chairman Meow.’”
“Well, meet your new son: Orangejello.”
Jimmy went silent. “Orange… what now?”
“Orangejello. Like the dessert. Pronounced ‘Or-ahn-juh-lo.’ It’s classy if you say it with a pinky out.”
Jimmy whimpered. “And the girl?”
“Her name is Lemonjello. Pronounced ‘Leh-mon-juh-lo.’”
There was a silence long enough to fight a battle in.
Jimmy finally said, “Sweetheart… promise me something.”
“Anything, Jimmy.”
“If I survive this war… I’m renaming the kids.”
MORAL OF THE STORY: Never let your brother-in-law name anything. Especially humans.
